


I'm Beautiful

by DanasKitty



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Liam-centric, M/M, Mental Breakdown, idk what else, weight loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 08:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1682384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanasKitty/pseuds/DanasKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>written for a prompt. <br/>Prompt: Liam centric where he's bulimic and the boys don't notice until he gets really dizzy on stage one day and he passes out and taken to a hospital.</p><p> changed a bit but yeah....</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> idk i wrote this a while ago. i fixed some stuff but it's still poorly written. sorry.

       Liam wasn’t fat. He knew that. He had abs, he had a toned back and basically a perfect body. But when he looks through the internet and sees how much bigger than the other boys he is, he feels  _disgusted._

   He had always been tall and it was a good thing, but never puffed. He was a skinny boy, way too skinny to be healthy when he was younger and his mother used to cry every day because she was afraid that she was going to lose her son.

   But now, as he tries to convince himself that it’s just the cameras effect that makes him look bigger than the boys, he can't. because he knows he is. Even Harry the only one that can be compared in size with him is way skinnier.

    He doesn’t hate his muscles though! It's what he had been working so hard to get. And the times where he used to go to the gym or take a risk and run in the morning. It's like his body is rewarding him.

He doesn't care about what people say and he knows that, but what if the boys saw? What if one day they noticed how big and  _huge_ he is compared to them. He knows that Louis likes it when he gives him piggyback rides. And that Zayn likes it when he carries him to bed after an exhausting show. Pros are more than cons. That doesn’t stop him though.

   He decided to  _try_  and stop going to the gym, it'll make him bigger than he already is. 'the more muscles, the more weight.' Then maybe he'd be back to the way he was, when he was a skinny young boy that doesn't weigh that much.

\-----------------------

"C'mon, it's you who made me do it in the first place, why can't we go now?" Zayn whined just like he had been doing for the past three hours.  It didn't make any sense to him though!

Liam was obsessed to the point that made Zayn want to try and know what is so good about sweating and lifting heavy  _shit!_

  And now after he finally knew and became , not as much but soon to be, obsessed with it just like Liam, his boyfriend and gym partner is not as enthusiastic as he used to be when they actually had time to go.

 "I'm tired, love. It's been a busy week and I'm not letting go of my day off!" Liam lied, and he truly and deeply felt bad for it but what do you expect. He can't just go and be like, 'hey I'm ugly as shit and I feel like a buffer fish so please don't ask me to eat or grow muscles."

Cause he knows. He is sure that the boys will try to remove make him think otherwise With words like,  _you're perfect_ and  _you're like a superhero now!_  He doesn't want to believe those, cause as much as he doesn't want to admit, he misses when the boys used to carry  _him_ around.

 "It's okay, Zee! I'll go with you, just let Liam rest for a bit!" Harry placed his hand on Zayn's shoulder and smiled to Liam. He only huffed and mumbled an 'alright' before grabbing his keys and heading out with Harry leaving Liam alone in the living room as Louis and Niall were still asleep though it was launch time!

 Feeling his stomach crying for food, Liam stood up and made his way through the empty house to the kitchen. He tried to decide what to eat when out of nowhere thoughts and thoughts kept running through his mind. ' _do you really want to eat?_ '  _'you know what? If you weren't so fat maybe you would’ve been able to eat whatever you want!'._

 So he stopped! For two weeks in a row he hadn't eaten anything but filled his stomach with warm water! His stomach was begging him to eat something, anything but he wouldn't give up.

Not only his stomach though! The boys noticed too not so long after. They asked him if he had eaten or not but he'd only change the subject or even lie! And Liam never lies, they knew that! So they believed him!

It's been also two weeks since he went to the gym and he felt more than horrible. He realized he was addicted to working out but it was never a problem now cause he began achieving!

He weighs himself. Every day. One time before bed and one time as soon as he wakes up. It's stupid. He knows! But it's all he can think about and these are the only times the boys aren’t around!

He lost 5 pounds in two weeks. He still can't see any visible difference though! His collarbones were already sticking out. But right now, he doesn't want muscles. He wants hipbones cause when he holds Zayn and notices how much his bones are sticking out of his skin, he gets the argue to tell everyone that comes near him to 'fuck off' ! he wants someone to feel like they need to protect him too.

\----------

He needs to eat. He feels like collapsing all the time, even when he's lying on his bed. And he misses eating, he loves food! he's a human being and humans need to eat.

He sits on his bed for two hours debating on whether to eat or not. He gets this idea and he feels stupid for not having earlier. He grabs his laptop and opens google and types  _unhealthy ways of losing weight._ He is shocked , to say the least, cause he was thinking that he was torturing himself but what he sees makes him feel like a failure for not being able to resist food.

Some people don’t eat at all and they do it for months. Some people over-exercise until they can't feel their bodies. Some people even  _throw up!_

He opens it, and after a few minutes of reading he realizes that it is an eating disorder and it is called bulimia. He types it in google and reads, he actually forgets about eating and ignores his stomach cause he thinks it's really interesting!

He can eat whatever he wants, he can stop the boys from suspecting him and most of all shut his stomach up AND he will lose weigh! Perfect, isn’t it?

It's not. 

\--                                                                                                            

"Liam, we'll. Be. Late! For the last time, Get up!!" Niall jumped on his bed, making him dizzier, he thought it would go away if he took a nap but it didn’t. " 'm sleepy, leave me alone!" he groaned from under his covers and tried to get comfortable again as Niall slid the covers away off of him earlier.

"You’ve been sleeping for the past five hours, sleepyhead!" Louis muttered matter-of-factly sitting beside Niall on Liams bed. "guys! Would you please leave?" Liam felt like he was going to be in tears if they kept talking.

His head hurt, his heart hurt and don’t get started on his throat cause it felt like there was lava in there.

He had been throwing up every meal he ate for a month and a half now. He ate normally, but then he'd excuse himself saying that after dinner he has to call his mom but he never does.

He goes to his bathroom. Locks the door carefully and chews on that disgusting random pill. Just the taste of medicine dissolving in his mouth is enough for him to feel awful and throw up all his stomach contents into the toilet bowl.

It always end up with a fit of crying and a dieting pill. He still hasn’t felt good about himself even though his hipbones were now slightly visible. He never liked the word slightly cause when he was young and weak people used to pick on him. He worked out and he was slightly muscled.

From slightly to very muscled, Liam didn't lose hope in being slightly skinny cause he knows he's determined enough to reach his goal.

A few more months, he though.

  **Four months later:**

He's a mess.

He tries to tell himself otherwise but he is a walking skeleton now and he doesn't mind. Only problem is, everybody noticed.

And he wouldn't be shocked if they all knew. Now, he doesn't have to chew anything and he doesn't have time to excuse himself.

He only smiles which he is sure looks more like a grimace and goes off. He doesn't control his body anymore. He had fallen into the darkness of depression and nobody can save him now.

Even his boyfriends.

"Liam, can I talk to you for a second?"

Harry asked, poking his head slightly behind his door. Liam was lying on his bed, not knowing what is more confusing, his life or that the dancing  ceiling that was above him.

"yeah," He mumbled with a dazed face. Not actually knowing who was there until he saw a blur image of a tall skinny boy and he would think it was Zayn but the boy has brown hair. So it's Harry.

"are you ever going to say it?"

Liam finally turned to his right, where Harry wasn't burning holes into his body with his eyes. He, after trying to adjust his eyesight in the new position found that the three other boys are there today. Standing outside as if they're scared. He wonders why.

But then he looks down and, fuck, he's only wearing his briefs.

He sit up quickly in search for the blanket that is roughly pulled away but Harry letting him regret his moves for the throbbing pain in his head.

"What do you want me to say?" He asks. Ignoring the fact that his boyfriends aren’t impressed in what he done to him.

_I destroyed myself for you, you little shits._

"Liam we already know," Louis began, "And it's hurting us  not being able to save you." He pleaded. It took Liam a full minute to whisper something that the boys weren't able to make a correct word of.

"What was that, Li?" Zayn asked stepping closer to Liam's bed only to stop dead in his tracks by the look Liam gave him. He looked like some kind of a starved abused animal that is ready to attack. "Hurting you!" He, and by the hurt it caused him thought he yelled, spoke the first word with boys in a week. And the boys all looked straddled by Liam's anger. Not knowing where the problem was.

"And aren't I hurting? Don't you think that it doesn’t fucking killing me not to be able to keep some freakin' water inside my guts to feel good and make you feel, too." He yelled, literally and he didn't care if he was hurting or not cause no matter how much it hurt it wouldn't feel as bad as he had gone through.

"Liam, we wa.. ." Liam sent Niall a sharper look, daring him to continue.

"Help? I'm not sick. I'm fine, I'm completely fine and beautiful," Liam began smiling, and waving with his hands in a happy manner and for a moment or two the boys thought that he lost his mind.

"See these bones?" Liam asked gesturing to his ribs bones that were penetrating his skin. "These are beautiful! He said, laughing now. Harry reached a hand to try and stop Liam from moving again when Liam slapped his hand away with all the strength he had,  _weakly_.

"Wanna see my hipbones?" Liam continued laughing. "I spent two whole months trying to make them shit appear." He laughed like it was the funniest thing said.

He stood up quickly showing the boys that he had amazing hipbones now.

But as soon as he stood up he fell down. His skin stretching as far as it could over his knees. As he continued laughing, and repeating  _I'm beautiful now_ and _they're perfect._

Zayn, who had been the one catching Liam from hitting the floor harder than he did, held Liam tighter in his arms. Not wanting to admit it, it felt wrong to hold Liam. He'd always love Liam with every piece inside his heart and he'd always think Liam is beautiful. but Liam was inhuman now.

Laughter filled the room as Liam took a hold of Louis' hand and made him put his hand on his hipbone. The boys were terrified. Niall silently crying, Harry shocked of what just happened and Louis trying not to focus on the bones he was touching.

Soon, laughter changed into sobs.  _Liam was crying_.

Tears were everywhere and they knew Liam had been holding on for so long, cause his breakdown wasn't okay at all.

"Please, I never meant for it to be like this," He cried into Zayn's chest, holding Louis' hand with everything thing he had which wasn't a lot. "Shh, love, we know you didn’t." Zayn soothed, rocking them again as Niall came closer. "will you let us help you through this?" He asked calmly, but Liam sobbed louder at the words. But nodded anyway. And then they knew it'll be alright.

It had been three months since Liam went to rehab and now he is beginning to visibly recover.

They were all sprawled on the couch and Liam was squeezed tightly between them. His head on Zayn's chest, Louis' tucked safely under his arm laying on his ribcage. Harry and Niall both next to Zayn and Louis and that's when he cried again. because he was in a state of bless that he doubts anyone would ever be in.   

       

          

 

__

 


End file.
